GONE ARE MY DAYS OF BECOMING LESS TO BE MORE.

I'M NO STRANGER TO THE DARKNESS.

BUT I'VE LEARNED THAT THE DIMMEST MOMENTS OF OUR LIVES

OFTEN PAVE THE PATH FOR THE BRIGHTEST LIGHT.

I'm Steph.

I was 17 years old when my parents admitted me into a partial hospitalization program to deal with the eating disorder that had taken over my life.

Up until that point, I had convinced myself that I was going to have to live the way that I was forever – sad, tired, and starving.

You see, I believed that there was just one key to my becoming the person I had always wanted to be – vivacious, beautiful, happy, and successful. And that key, was being thin.

The concept of thinness, and all of the doors it would open in my life consumed me. And no matter how thin I became, it was never enough. I chased after the ideal of thinness with somewhat admirable vigor day in and day out, never questioning when enough would be enough, or why I wasn’t happy yet.

I was fixated on the idea that I had to become less to be more. I believed it with all of my heart.

And in the pursuit of my ideals, I became more miserable than I had ever been in my life.

ISOLATED. EXHAUSTED. DEPRESSED. STRESSED. OVERWHELMED. ANXIOUS. HUNGRY. ALONE. SELFISH. ANGRY. SCARED. VICTIMIZED.

These are the words I’d use to describe my state at that point of my life, although I’d never have admitted it at the time. In fact, I didn’t even believe I had a problem! I just thought I had to live that way in order to achieve the grand title I’d always wanted: thin.

Through intensive inpatient therapy that I regained my footing in reality. And while I began my road to recovery in that intensively therapeutic environment, I couldn’t know that the real work still lay ahead, back in the real world, where I’d have to confront my demons and challenge the beliefs that had been deeply entrenched in my psyche for years. I had yet to learn how to not just survive, but to truly thrive.

It was back in the real world that I learned to trust myself with food again. I combatted my deeply rooted, negative body image. I taught myself to embrace my body’s strength rather than to fear it. I released my deep-seated notions of skinny = healthy and happy and curated a true appreciation for wellness, self care, and strength.

My road to recovery was bumpy, zig-zagging, and sometimes tiresome. At times I didn’t believe I could really do it, or even that I wanted to. And yet every year, I got better and better, and learned to love myself more and more. 

Through my recovery, I’ve rediscovered my old strengths and also unearthed new ones. I’ve developed hobbies that fuel my soul from both cellular and spiritual levels. I’ve unearthed my mad love for authentic fitness and wellness. I've honed my love of writing. I’ve strengthened old relationships and created plenty of new ones.

Above all, I’ve realized that my journey’s purpose has been to allow me to develop the strength and the skills to help others finally let go of their disordered relationship with food and their own body, and embrace their own true, innate strength while igniting the mad love for themselves that has always laid within.

I believe that we can simply become more of ourselves to be great. I’ve grown tired of the notion that we must diminish our light, shrink our bodies, and cram ourselves into a mold that society deems “acceptable” in order to really shine.

I believe that by finding our voice, shining our light, and honing our strengths, we can empower ourselves to let go of our fixation on our bodies and food and focus on what really matters to us. In doing so, we can normalize our eating and grow stronger than we ever knew to be possible.

I feel this potential so strongly. And I believe that if I could do it, so can you. And I am here to help you do it.

All my love and light to you,

All photos on this site were taken by Shantanu Starick as he has been travelling the world for his latest project, Pixel Trade.