On Reserving the Right to Change My Mind

I thought I was done. I was spinning in circles and I didn’t know where I was going with all things blog-related. It was starting to feel daunting, like an obligation and a waste of time.

“Who even reads this shit?” I found myself wondering over and over. Seriously - how many times was I going to spill my heart and guts out and onto the internet with what felt like little purpose?

So I stopped writing. I quit the blog. I freed up a few hours of time during the week to pursue other goals and ideas. And I felt free for awhile.

And after a few months, I found myself antsy, hungering to pull the ideas out of my head and spill them onto paper and the interwebs. Dying to share my growth and learnings with friends, family, and whoever else freaking reads what I write. Not vying for a place amongst the Insta-blogger set, but just generously sharing my heart with whoever needs a piece of it, and trusting that that impact is enough in and of itself.

See, I’m not a quiet person. I’m not someone who can experience growths and pains and trials and tribulations and not shout about them from the mountaintops. Because I believe in the power of openness and sharing. I know that reading the right thing at the right time is unbelievably powerful for someone who is struggling with something - can shift emotions and cause mental unblocking. I believe that vulnerability can cultivate community. And also, beyond beyond anything else, I crave creative expression and writing is the outlet that my soul is compelled to plug into in order to creatively express mysef. I just have a lot of feelings, guys.

And so, NamaSteph lives! She’s back and ready to flush your brains, infiltrate your psyche, soothe your soul, and cultivate community with the power of written word - sometimes eloquent, othertimes, well, not.

I’ve thought for so long that if I made a decision,  I needed to prove that decision to other people by STICKING with it. Like by choosing to go vegan, I was COMMITTED to being a lifelong, “good” little vegan. And even when I felt stuck and restrictive, I felt like I couldn’t make a change because I had already proclaimed my commitment to the judgemental webosphere and didn’t want to seem like a hypocrite. By shutting down the blog, I had decided to go in a different direction and I believed I needed to honor that choice, even when my soul craved otherwise.

Over the last 6 months I’ve spent a lot of time learning and reflecting. Listening to LOTS of podcasts… particularly one called Untame The Wild Soul Podcast by Elizabeth Dialto (you should listen to it - it’s a game changer for us spiritual gangsters. And she refers freqently on her podcast and in her writings to a principle of her Wild Soul Movement. It is, “I reserve the right to change my mind.”

When I heard that for the first time, I nearly fell out of my seat. ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS? The idea that I could elevate my highest, best self by honoring my fluidity as a human being and a woman, rather than shaming myself for feeling differently now than I did before absolutely BLEW MY FRIGGIN’ MIND.

Yes, I made certain decisions that felt right in the moment that I made them. Going vegan felt right when I did it. Closing the blog felt necessary at the time. But now I feel differently. So I’m going to do differently. And no one else gets to tell me that that’s wrong, or against the rules. It’s my life, my work, my path, my choice. And hey, GUESS WHAT?! THERE ARE NO RULES.

So here I am. Back in action. Ready to write my tushy off and connect with whoever else is ready to take the reigns in their own life - grant themselves permission to do whatever the HELL they want, make choices that align with their higher selves and greater purpose, empower themselves to evaluate their relationship to self, love, money, ETC ETC ETC…, eat well, sweat well, and just be the overall BADASS that they are more than capable of being, if only they’d stop doubting their own beauty, strength, and power.

And this is not me coming to you to preach or stand on my high horse to tell you what is right or wrong. This is me sharing my journey with you in real time, in the hopes that my own challenging, opportunities, learnings, growths, and successes show you that the pulse of life is really just an ebbing and flowing tidal wave. Sometimes we know exactly what’s up, and other times we are drowning in self doubt and confusion.

So I’m here to share. I’m here to ask questions of myself in the hopes that you’ll do the same. I’m here to challenge myself to be better and do better.

I’m excited to share what I’ve learned with you. I’m excited to connect in this fullhearted way.

And more than anything, I’m excited to reserve the right to change my mind about the whole damn thing.

Much love, my friends.

2016 Reflections: On Ease, Trust, and Luv

Happy Old Year, NamaPeeps! (I'm not wishing you a happy new year until it is actually the new year, DUH!) Here we are, at the tail end of 2016, a year that many are considering to be the "worst year ever".

Not to rub it in or anything, but 2016 has been FAR from my worst year ever. As a matter of fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that 2016 has probably been my best year ever.

I've grown SO much. And I've gotten more and more comfortable with who I am - knowing that who I am can and will continuously evolve over time. I've realized that I can be okay with that, I don't have to fight it in order to stay "on brand". I'm a person, not a product! 

For the last handful of years, I've struggled to put my finger on exactly what it is that I want to do, or who it is I want to be. I went from carefree college girl to NYC fashion intern and writer to fashion PR girl to fitness buff and on and on and on. I changed so much, but oftentimes without a vision of where I was headed, made that much more painful by my incredibly high standards for myself. 

Sometimes, I felt like I was just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what stuck, if anything! And while that is, undoubtedly, just part of life, I wanted SO BADLY for something to stick. Add that desperation to the fact that I had literally zero trust that the universe was working with me, in my favor, and you've got the angstiest mid-twenties crisis you've ever seen. I hadn't yet learned that if I could just lean into positivity and love, everything would work out exactly as it should, if not better! I couldn't trust, so I FORCED decision making with relentless power in order to make things happen. 

2016 was the year where I learned to trust myself and the universe around me. Not coincidentally, it was also the year my vision came together. It was the year where I put in the work to lay the foundation for the future I want to create. It was the year where I allowed myself the space to see what I wanted, to feel what I wanted.

In 2016, I learned to speak up for myself, to other people (still a work in progress!) and to the universe. I learned to ask for what I wanted.

I learned to sleep a little longer, eat a little slower, and breathe a little deeper. 

In 2016, I fell in love with myself. I got serious about self care. I deepened my yoga practice. I connected intimately with my friends. I actually (successfully) reduced my coffee intake  (6 cups a day to 1 or 2!). I stopped muscling through, favoring ease and grace over horsepower. I spent some serious time alone with myself, asking myself what I needed and wanted more of in my life and thinking about how I would go about getting said things.

In 2016, I generated the vision and purchased the seeds. I caught a glimpse of where I am headed and accepted that diligent patience will be the force that carries me through any storm. 

In 2017, I will plant, water, and raise the seeds with love, care, humor, and flexibility. I will lean into love as the answer to stress and anxiety. I will honor my intentions while leaving space for the gorgeous surprise of the unknown. I will grow this space, my writing in general, and my business as a holistic health coach with a focus and understanding I've never had before. And in 2017, I fully intend to fall in love with someone new. I can feel it.

Wishing you all a glorious end of year, filled with reflection, manifestation, and a clear vision for the coming year! I am so grateful to all of you who read this blog and support me through all of my crazy adventures - thank you! Look out for some exciting new content and announcements coming in 2017!

NamaSTAY reading, my friends.

Much love - xx

Steph

No Mud, No Lotus: 4 Strategies For Getting Yourself Through Tough Times

My little Nama-people. Words can't describe how much I've missed you all. Trust me, I am fully aware that I have NOT been present over the past 3 weeks, and I truly hope you can forgive me! You see, I've been going through what we might refer to as "life changes" of late, and the idea of blogging in the midst of it was just more than I could bear to face. When your brain and your heart are tangled together, twisted and knotted into a messy ball and plummeting down a steep hill so quickly that you can no longer determine which way is up and which is down, which is left and which is right, it's pretty tough to produce organized thoughts in blog-form.

So please forgive me. I am back! And while I typically love putting out 3 blogs a week, I think that for now, 1-2 will have to be enough until I get myself feeling a bit more organized. Sound good? Great!

In light of all of my recent life changes, along with the realization that in spite of all of them, I am still here, standing tall (as though I could help it), proud and strong, I want to publicly pat myself on the back for getting through it all. It's been tough, painful, weird, yet overwhelmingly positive on the whole. Yes there are blazingly, acutely painful moments of sadness that strike out of nowhere, lashing out with a vengeance that burns and stings and steals your breath away, but there are many more moments of pride and empowerment, and for that I am grateful.

And as I look out at the new life I have created for myself, I have to smile and let myself bask in the pride of the knowledge that yes, I did this.

How, you ask? Well, let me share with you my top 4 strategies for getting through breakups, life changes, and tough times in general:

1. Make plans with friends. Every day. Every other day. Whatever feels right to you. Once I realized that I couldn't rely on my former S.O. for plans or entertainment anymore, I poured myself into my friendships, creating stronger connections and new relationships. Since moving to NYC, I had consistently felt that I was missing the really strong friendships that have always added warmth and color to my life. I had given all of my time and energy to work and to my relationship. I saw my breakup as an opportunity to change that for myself. I dove in deep with my new friends in NYC, giving myself things to look forward to all week long. Karaoke. Wine nights. Sweat dates. Sleepovers. Some seriously girly shit. I got REAL busy REAL fast, not giving myself a chance to feel bored or lonely, because I consistently surrounded myself with positive, supportive, loving people who made me feel safe, loved, protected and important. (Shout out to my amazing women here in the city - you know who you are. Thanks ladies.)

2. Create a sanctuary. When I moved after becoming single again, my number 1 priority was creating a space for myself that was beautiful, calm, and reflective of me as a person. It was something I hadn't really had before, since college either living in my parents house, on a couch, or in a shared room with my boyfriend. My friends laughed because I put SO much energy and thought into my bedroom decor, but I knew how important it was to me to create a space that felt perfect. And I have to say, it is GORGEOUS, it is ZEN, it is EVERYTHING I ever wanted. I now have a space to retreat into that is mine and mine alone. It is safe. It is serene. It is calm. It is full of things that I love, that look beautiful, that feel personal, that make me happy when I look at them. Dreamy white curtains? Check.  White icicle lights dangling around my bed? Check. Whimsical hooks on the wall to hold my jewelry? Check. Silly dog-shaped knobs on my dresser that I hand-picked from Anthropologie? Check. Everything in this room makes me happy just looking at it. Being in this space brings me the simplest, most basic joy I can describe, and I am so grateful for it every single day.

3. Practice self care. I've certainly made an effort to keep busy, but like any self aware person, I know that taking the time to really sit down and deal with my emotions is a vitally important aspect of this journey. Being too busy isn't a sustainable state, and ultimately we all need to deal with being alone. So every night I get in my bed, turn out my lights, turn on my beautiful new white icicle lights, light up my dim bed side lamp, pull out my journal and write. I'm not formulaic about it, I don't make a gratitude list if I don't want to, I don't force myself to write about it if I don't want to, but I am someone who does very well when I spend time reflecting on my experiences. I feel more centered, more aware, and lighter. I feel more loving, less stressed, less crazed. Coming back at the end of the day, unwinding in my special new space, and doing one of my favorite things (writing, if you didn't get that) made me feel like me. And when your entire life flips and morphs into something completely different than you thought, it is imperative to do everything in your power to feel like you. 

4. Exercise...duh. How could I make a list of ways to feel emotionally healthy without including my NUMBER ONE coping mechanism? Newsflash. I could not. When I feel anxious, I work out. When I feel depressed, I work out. When I feel tense, I work out. When I feel happy, I work out. No matter what I am feeling, I make a conscious effort to work out. Why? It makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER. It reduces my stress levels. It eases the tension and anxiety in my body. It gives me a boost of endorphins. It helps me think more clearly. It makes me a significantly more awesome HUMAN. It brings me a sense of control and empowerment that I don't always feel in my daily life. Wow, even sitting here a bit under the weather, all this talk of why I love working out is seriously making me want to go work out. Down girl, down. Woof.

As always, it is my hope that my experiences serve you by helping you deal even more positively with your own. Life isn't always perfect. Sometimes it's really friggin' hard. But we don't have to make it harder by failing to take care of ourselves. We don't have to shut down, or feel devastated for very long. Could I be curled up in a ball day in and day out, lamenting, crying, shutting down? Certainly. But ultimately I think I'm going to feel better for handling things as positively as I can, for taking care of myself, for getting up and continuing to move.

If I can do it, so can you.

“It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.”   – Doe Zantamata